Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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