I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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