I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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