I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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