If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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