cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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