when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
