Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
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I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
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My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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