i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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