New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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