I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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