Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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