I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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