its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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