I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
