I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
