What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
