She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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