There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
