you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
