a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
vagina is talking i cant
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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