I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...