Got a toothbrush?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.