Who did Billy Mays play for?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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