I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
