Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
did i just pee glitter
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
