Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
