Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
it's like iHOP with fire
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
