he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
