...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
