Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
