I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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