I'm sorry my penis didn't work
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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