What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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