last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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