he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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