He asked to "fluff my boner.."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
