I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
