Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
