I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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