So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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