did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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