So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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