I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
