I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
