Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
