she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
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Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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