I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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