I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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