I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
