I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
