I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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