If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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