He kissed a someone with a penis
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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