So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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